Emotional

Sometimes I have feelings. It does not happen frequently, but on occasion I experience them. Not the ordinary ones that come from your heart, stomach or even head. The ones that don’t feel like emotions at first but just build up in your body for a while. Seeping out from the marrow of your bones they take a while to penetrate into consciousness. So for a while you wander around oblivious to the goings-on inside of you.

After a while you start to notice something. You do not know what it is, but you notice it. Then it makes itself heard for real. Mostly through a slight uneasyness that waxes and wanes. Being smart, as you are, you begin noticing a correlation between your (in)actions and these feelings. They well up from down below whenever you do something you do not want. Whenever you do not do something you want to do. Whenever you do not speak up for yourself. Whenever you do not do your best.

Whenever you are not true to your self this feeling arises. After eating away at you for a few years or so a quote from ‘Altered States’ pops into your head more and more often:
“I’m on fucking fire”

At first this seems like a good thing. You burn, you move, you are hypomanic. In short, you are alive. Slowly you realize the fallacy. You are on fucking fire, so how long until you burn out?